HOW MY LOVE STORY ENDED BEFORE IT HAD EVEN STARTED ( PART 2 )

# THE 5th ENCOUNTER

When I opened my eyes, I found myself lying on the hospital bed. I could see few people on white aprons. My head was aching and I could not feel my own body. I saw a saline bag whose pipe was hooked to my left arm. It felt like I had been paralyzed. I slowly tried to move so that I could sit. Then I heard a voice say, “Hey, careful.” As my eyes followed the voice, I saw him, the guy at the party a year back. He helped me sit and put a pillow behind me for support and he said, “Your pressure had dropped and you fainted. The doctor said that you’re weak and need rest.” Maybe I was weak. I couldn’t speak so I just kept quiet. He brought me some food and a juice. I had them all. Maybe I was hungry enough, I finished it all. After a while, I felt normal.

The doctor came and asked, “How are you feeling?” I said, “Much better.”

“You fainted because of weakness and your pressure was low. As you are feeling better, I’ll prepare your discharge papers.” The doctor said. Before I could say anything, the guy replied, “Sure. Make the papers ready.”

After the discharge papers were ready, the guy paid the bills. I was annoyed. I said, “Do you think I don’t have enough money? I don’t need anyone’s favour. I put the money he paid in his hand. “Oh...I’m sorry...Maybe I am doing too much social service these days” he said. I know I offended him, but paying my bills that was not right.

I went to the washroom. As I was washing my face, I saw the guy in the mirror, I turned around and said, “Are you sick? Why are you following me? And can’t you read the instructions outside? It’s a ladies washroom.” I’m not sure why I was more crankier than usual today.

He replied, “It’s not me who is sick, It's you. If you faint in the bathroom again, then someone should be here to hold you. So, I followed you here.”

“Do you think you are some kind of superhero to help everyone in need...anywhere and anytime? The doctor said that I will be fine. Thank you for bringing me to hospital. That was enough help. You can leave.” I said rudely.

“It wasn’t me who brought you to the hospital. I was there for a check up when I saw you lying on the bed.” He replied.

“What check up? What happened to you? Are you sick? You look perfectly fine.” I said.

He hesitated and replied, “Of course. I’m perfectly fine. I was here just for a regular check up. The nurses here are very pretty and beautiful. I love getting nursed by them. So, I visit this hospital often in the name of a check up.” He then blinked his eyes.

“I see. Ok, then, I’m already late for home and I guess I took much of your time. Thank you for everything. I’m leaving.” I said and left.

Behind the hospital, there was a place, quiet and pleasing. I knew the place as it was near my house and I’ve walked there quite often. As there were only a few apartments for hospital staffs, there would be no-one there at this time of day. As the hospital was at a height, this end of the hospital had a magnificent view. Just a little down was a way to the main road. There were some tall hills at the front. Standing there, I could see the busy life of the city. Mild wind blew there at a regular interval which blew my hair. It was always amazing to be here. Everything was just quiet and calm, just the way I wanted.

“Oh! So, you left me there to enjoy here all by yourself, huh?” A voice came from behind me and I already knew it was him.

“And why are you here to disturb me again?” I replied rudely.

“I was confused. Didn’t you recognize me? We had met before at the party, a year back?” He asked me with a confused face asking for a confirmation.

I answered, “Of course, I know it’s you.”

“Then why are you acting so weird, like we are strangers.” He questioned.

I sat down there on the ground. He sat beside me. “You helped me and I thanked you for that. What else do you want me to do now?” I asked.

“Although we have spent little time together and known each other very little, I thought we had become good friends at the party.” He looked at me and smiled. He continued, “That night you were so warm, friendly and charming and now you’ve turned so cold and rude.”

“I am not the one who I was a day before. How can you expect me to be the one that I was a year ago? It’s just a matter of time, people change all the time.” I replied.

There was a long silence.

I broke the silence. I asked, “You never tried to contact me after the party. I thought we had become good friends too. I tried to contact you but I didn’t find a way and the worst part is that I didn’t know your name and I still don’t.”

“You were all into me at that party, right? I had caught you many times getting blushed at the site of me.” He smiled and looked at me with his suspicious eyes. Maybe he was expecting that I would admit it. Then I just stoop up and said, “Live in your dreams. I can’t help with people’s imagination. Maybe one encounter is not just enough to know someone.” I didn’t even look at him, I knew what he was saying was true but it was long time back.

“Do you think that was the first time I saw you?” he questioned. I looked at him. He stood up and continued, “I think it was three years back, I saw a girl sitting on the stairs at the entrance gate of a temple. She was starring at the floor and tears were flowing down from her eyes like it would never stop. There was something in her eyes. I was curious what could it be? After two years, I saw the same girl at The British Council Library. She was reading a book. After a while, she left her desk. I noticed that she had left her notebook there. I went through the notebook. He showed me the photo of my pages he had taken on his phone.

“It hurts.

And it really hurts a lot.

It feels like my head will burst or maybe I will go insane. No I can't turn insane. But how do I control this impatiency, this desperacy. I finally went through that thing which I never ever wanted to be into. It was the only thing I had avoided as long as I can remember. But maybe history repeats.

But what do I do now?? I just don't know. I am going through so many things at once that I have become hopeless. Sometimes I ask God, “Why me? Why just me? There are millions and trillions of other people out there but why it’s just me? “I know it’s not worth asking God. It doesn't mean that I don't believe God but it’s just that things don't work out very well between me and him. He left me helpless in a  crucial stage of my life and I  feel betrayed.

I've shed lots of tears and yet they are flowing continuously. I wonder how much tear can flow from an eye. Don't they finish? Every night I sleep begging God, “Please, may I not have to see the sunlight tomorrow. Spare me from this life"

I wasn't this weak...I had gone through many ups and downs since my childhood and I used to be my own ideal, I was strong enough then to wake up every day with new aspiration about life. I used to think what's gone is gone and a new day is a new starting for a better tomorrow. But what happened? Did I change? I really must have changed a lot or maybe desperacy is killing the real me little by little.

People say, life always gives you a second chance but what if you do not want one. Today I stand alone in one of the most crucial stage of my life or maybe I am being too dramatic about life. Today, I've no option than stand at the bay of the sea and wait for what the waves will bring for me. I can neither jump into the sea nor swim nor can I explore its depth.”

I desperately wanted to ask her what is it that hurts so much?

Again, after few months, I teased a girl on the way. After a while, I realized it was the same girl. When I came to look for her, I saw her giving chocolates to some kids on the way. She was smiling, looking at those kids. There was something very beautiful about that smile. Then suddenly tears fell from her eyes. Smile and tears at the same time? It was a weird combination. I was confused and curious at the same time.

Again I saw the same girl at a party. That day I saw a happy girl, not the sad one that I had seen each time before. I really had a quality time with that happy girl. A beautiful girl with grace, modesty, beautiful eyes, beautiful smile, she has never got out of my mind since then.

Yet again, I always wanted to ask her, what is it that hurts so much? What is it that she has been hiding? What is the mystery that lies in those tears?” He glared into my eyes. It felt like he could read my eyes. I had to look away.

“I am leaving. Convey my greetings to aunty.” I said. I was about to leave when he said, “I cannot convey your greetings to her. She is no more. She left me alone. I’m an orphan now.” I was shocked, “What? How? I mean what happened? I’m really very sorry.”I said.

“Meet me tomorrow and I’ll explain you all.” He said.

“I’m not coming tomorrow. If you don’t want to say, that’s fine.” I replied and I walked away.

“I will be waiting for you.” He said.

I paused for a while but didn’t turn around. For some reason, I just decided to walk down the road instead of looking into the depth of his eyes and feeling his pain. As I was walking, I could hear him shout, “By the way, I forgot to tell you my name again. It’s Annupam.”

DESPERACY

Its so much painful when we know the thing we are running for is not our destiny. But we still can't help ourselves from running towards it.We know we are ruining our present and of course our future but can't help it.

Desperacy makes a person weak and helpless.There is no any limit of desperacy. It can go through any extend. It is an illness with no cure. It turns the condition of a person from bad to worse till worst.Finally, everything is destroyed.

I'm letting things go, giving it all to time. If the time thinks I deserve it, I'll surely get it.

I've no option than standing in the bay, starring at the waves and wonder what the waves will bring for me. Starring at the waves i hope that one day the strong waves will slow down and the water will be peaceful and still.

As the rays of sunlight falls upon my head, I feel more tortured. I feel like its teasing me, showing me hope of the things that I'll never get.

Then I ask, "Why its always me? There are millions and billions of people out there."

Then i get an answer from somewhere inside me,"Among these billions of people, you're the only one who will never give up whatever the circumstances. Its only you who will never complain no matter how harshly I torture you. Just wait. After all these harshness and tortures, I've  a gift preserved for you. You'll be the one to experience that happiness that no other has experienced till date."

LIFE "A JOURNEY"

We come to this earth as a small,innocent baby. Journey of life is set right from our birth and the whole life is to be lived. There are tons of obstacles waiting for us at every point in our journey that we have to confront.

Each time we confront obstacles, we think that our problem is the biggest one and we will never be able to go through it. But somehow, we just go through it. And when we confront another obstacle, we realize that the obstacle before was nothing. With time we realize that we have enough power, strength and patience to go through everything. This way, each one of us is capable to fight with every obstacles of our life.

We all are destined for something since our birth. We all have a role to play in this system of nature. Nothing is in our hand. What is meant to happen will happen.

No one can change their destiny. Everything in this system of nature is planned. If any alteration is made, then the change would destroy the system of nature. An unseen force is regulating this system and people often call this power as divine power.

All we have to know is, we are already destined for something and life is taking us towards it. It will be something unexpected but happiness lies somewhere between walking along those mysteries of life. In case miseries are stored for us there,then, no worries we'll surely go through it. Each one of us is brave enough to go through anything.

For, we are, "The brave warriors of our life."

RANDOM THOUGHT

Its easy to live but how you want to live always creates a problem.

RANDOM THOUGHT

Never hold on to anything in your life because what's not yours..it is not yours.

HOW MY LOVE STORY ENDED BEFORE IT HAD EVEN STARTED? (PART 1)

NOTE: This story is purely based on fiction. Any resemblance with anyone's life would be just a coincidence.

Our story started from the temple, “The Pashupatinath temple”. Long time back, there was a programme organized where one crore Shivalingas were made near the temple by Shiva devotees so that the Shivalingas could be taken to Devghat. I too had gone to the temple to make Shivalingas. It was Monday, the day I fast every week. It was the first time I saw him. He too had come there to make Shivalingas. He sat next to me. He was with his friend. They both sat there and genuinely started making Shivalingas. Well, boys of that age being serious about God, taking God and religion seriously, it was impressive.

As he was just next to me, I could hear him talk. I heard him say to his friend, “Don’t you wear Janai? What is there to be ashamed of? It’s our culture, our pride. We are Brahmin and we should take it as an honor.” When I heard that, I couldn't resist myself but turn my head to see him. I was already too impressed by his enormous respect for his culture and religion.

He was taller than me, neither too thin nor too fat, not that fair and not that dark. By then, I had already started to imagine us together. I blushed. I sat there till late, made as many Shivalingas as I could, and walked back home.

Two years later, I was at British Council library. I was sitting there reading a book. I had some issues with the book, so I went to the help desk. I had left my notebook on the table where I was sitting. Suddenly, I heard a voice say, “Wow! Such a beautiful handwriting! Ahh…Akrity! Beautiful name as well…A lady with beautiful name… flawless handwriting…how beautiful must she herself be?”

Before I knew, I had started blushing. I turned around. Surprisingly, it was the same guy I saw two years ago at the temple.  As I was staring at him, he must have realized that it was my notebook. He said, “Sorry miss. I didn't mean that. I was just joking.” He smiled, gave me the notebook and just walked away.

Again, six months later, I was walking down the road. Suddenly, my leg slipped but somehow I managed not to fall. A voice behind me said, “You are an express. Try walking slower and yes! Your heels are bit taller.” I was angry and before I could say anything, I realized it was the same guy again. Before I could think of anything, he was gone and yet again I blushed.

Time took a three months leap; I had to attend a party. I dressed up. I was all set for the party. I was wearing a sari and everyone around me said that I looked astonishingly beautiful in yellow saffron sari and black blouse. It was my favorite sari.

At the party, I was alone. There I met a woman, a bit older than my mom but she was an interesting company. I don’t know how educated she was, but she had an intellectual personality. She could talk on any topic. I knew she was too impressed by the way I was talking. After all I am too not that weak in giving big talks.

As our conversation continued, she said, “You should meet my son. There he is.” Before I could say anything, she called out, “Son, meet her. She is a nice girl. I've been talking to her since we arrived.” To my surprise it was the same guy from the temple, the British Council and the road. I was already blushing. I got butterflies in my stomach. He looked hot in that black suit. I was nervous but I absolutely didn't want him to know that. I just said, “Namaste”. He immediately replied, “Mom, she is well mannered and beautiful too and her face seems familiar.” I just didn't know what to do. I just smiled. He gave a long stare with a big smile. I couldn't make an eye contact so I just looked down. I wonder if he noticed me getting blushed.

Someone called his mother and she left.

 He asked, “Have you had dinner?”I just nodded my head, “No.”  He said, “You've got a company then. I haven’t had anything too.” We went to have dinner. He said, “After you” and gave me plate and spoon. I served myself some food and so did he. We sat together, had dinner, talked and laughed. Well, he had great sense of humor.  We had dessert and then he introduced me to some of his friends. We danced at the party. We had lots of fun. I was wondering if he likes me too. Otherwise why would he be with me when he had so many other friends there. And he seemed to enjoy my company and so did I.

It was getting late and it was already the time to say goodbye. He said that he really enjoyed my company. He and his mother left first. I too was returning home. I was blushing just at the thought of him. I was smiling alone on the road. But I couldn't stop thinking about him.

Then suddenly, Shit! I forgot to ask his name. Neither did he ask mine. If only I had asked him his name I could have contacted him through social network. I was left with all the regrets for not asking him his name. Will he ever try to contact me? Will he remember me? Did he really have fun with me? Did he even slightly feel the way I felt? All these questions in my head made my smile just go away and again there was that depressed look on my face. This way, my love story ended before it had even started.

Well, though coincidentally, we have already met four times now. So, on a positive note, chances are, we will encounter somewhere the fifth time. If we ever do, I’m sure he will recognize me and who knows it could be a new beginning to something extraordinary. 

RANDOM THOUGHT

I am not the one who i was a day before...its just a matter of time.

RANDOM THOUGHT

We will be incapable of seeing beauty in other things once we get allured by beauty of one thing. In life,always try to see and appreciate the beauty in things but never get allured by the beauty...Once we get allured, our life gets restrained.

-AKRITY PAUDEL

WEIRD TRUTH

Weird truth - we leave bad impression to 

those whom we want to impress and good 

impression to those whom we don't want 

to impress at all.

-Akrity Paudel

RANDOM THOUGHT

Its so easy to make a page colorful . The only thing you ought to do is use pen with different inks. People wish if they could color their life this easily. Making life colorful is not that hard.Only thing you ought to do is find colorful pens and write colorful chapters of your life. Filling colors to make life colorful is not a big task.Difficulty lies only in finding the colorful inks.

-Akrity Paudel

WHILE WALKING ALONG A QUIET PLACE WITH THE NATURE

I was walking along a quiet place somewhere in the town. Suddenly, I found myself somewhere that left me amused. The magnificent view, tall hills all around me, I could see nothing than fields all around. Well, some small houses made it feel more pleasing as there was no feeling of loneliness in my heart. Everything around were making me feel so good. No one was around yet I wasn't lonely at all.

Before my mind embraced this beauty of the surrounding, I was all confused about things. Now, with the glimpse of time, I realized something. The thing for which I was running for wasn't mine at the first place itself. I knew this from the very beginning but it’s just I didn't want to confront it. Actually, whatever I thought of was just a silly dream and how could it come true? After all, dreams are just a dream. They vanish as soon as we wake up from the sleep.

Well, I’m happy; I dared to confront the truth. Though it took me a long time and I guess it somewhat ruined me but what is life for? Isn't it for making mistakes and taking lessons? Now I guarantee, I’ll never make such silly mistakes ever again.

It’s pretty hilarious! Maybe it’s human nature, not giving up on things you want. Claiming right over those things that were never yours and will never be yours.

When I remember my silly acts, I want to pretend like. Whh..aa..t? No! That was not me. How could I act  that stupid? Was I that stupid?

Maybe the desire of making it mine made me act that stupid.

Nevertheless, everything ends up well. Although I can’t give up on my desires, my one and only dream that I wanted that badly. I acted strong enough. I confronted the truth. Instead of running after it worthlessly, I decided to give up on it. The decision was harsh but it was necessary for me to live a meaningful life and to gain the self respect that I had lost somewhere between my stupid deeds.

Maybe it’s time to say, whatever I did till today will be my history tomorrow. Tomorrow will come with new beginning, new dreams, and new responsibilities. I’m strong enough to bury my history and embrace my tomorrow. For the fact, I’m not a coward; I’m the brave warrior of my own life.

WAS THE DECISION CORRECT ?

From that particular time when I took the decision I had this feeling of restlessness growing bigger and stronger. I knew the decision that I took was wrong from the beginning itself. But I had no option than making the decision. Actually there was no choice to be made. If anyone was in my position then they would probably be able to figure out how important that decision was.

I can’t deny the good aspects of the decision made. But I can’t even ignore how harsh it has been on me.

Was the decision correct for me? What were my dreams? What I really wanted? The things I thought would happen…..

 What I asked for to happen...Was that a little more? Was it more than I deserved?

Maybe I got something more than I deserved from the beginning itself so I had big dreams.

I must not have had lived in dreams. Not everyone in this world has right to dream especially when it comes to people like me. I must have had restricted my mind from dreaming.

Although the decision made was not the correct one, I wanted to continue in the path that destiny preserved for me. But No! Even that path, that dream has become just a dream. It has become that blue sky which I can see and dream of touching but can’t do it because it’s high, high above me.

Now the determination for attaining the dream has gone. Don’t know how many people will I hurt? They still have hope on me but its only me who knows the determination and hope inside me has torn out leaving it scattered all over.

PERCEPTION ABOUT BEAUTY

WHAT IS THE REAL BEAUTY?

What is  real beauty? Where does it lie? Many people have different perceptions about beauty. Psychologists define beauty in looks, physical appearance,eyes,lips,curves,figure,symmetry whereas poets define beauty in smile,depth in eyes,modesty in appearance,shyness,etc and etc....the list goes on and on.And well,their way of explaining beauty holds true but up to where? This is the question that each one of us should ask ourselves. Rather than being insecure and complaining about one should understand the meaning of beauty from their own perception.

Well,beauty lies somewhere in the beholder's eyes....Wait!Wait! I am not turning to be a poet. I can just prove it. A tall, dark, handsome guy passes by my side.What do I do? 95% of the time I will not notice him and 5 % of the time I will  say OK!he had something and i move on.The memory will fade with a glimpse of light,so it is worthless to say physical attractiveness is the beauty. But if the guy does something good,like I see him helping someone or I hear him say something that convinces my thoughts, beliefs or he offers me genuine help, then 100% of the time I will remember the guy forever. And that's what's called beholder's eye or one's perception.

Every people have their own taste and preferences in everything even in beauty. Kheer and Khichadi are two totally different cuisine.Some people like Kheer and loathe Khichadi. Likewise, some people are crazy about Khichadi and do not like Kheer. This doesn't mean that Kheer or Khichadi is an awful dish in itself. Both of them are a great dish but people's taste varies. And the same principle applies in beauty may be physical beauty or behavioral beauty.

These days people are just too busy to understand this simple meaning of beauty and put a lot of effort in doing something that never defines them. Being yourself is the first step to being beautiful.And that doesn't mean not being even presentable and keeping up with your bad habits.Changing yourself is good but the change should define you. Trying to be someone else will leave you with nothing but pain, dissatisfaction and  insecurity.

What is our life's ultimate goal? Isn't it to be happy? We run for career, money, and what not but somewhere we forget to be happy. Happiness doesn't lie in achieving fake beauty that doesn't define you. It doesn't even lie in the status or the money you earn. It lies somewhere in something. Our life's ultimate goal is to find out where that somewhere is and what that something is. Trust me happiness lies in seeking happiness. Once we find it, our life maybe just over.

MANUSCRIPTS

ABOUT ME

This is my small world.The world that i live up with.Many things in life aren't shareable with people we know but it doesn't matter if an unknown person would know the story.The irony about life, we have so many people around us yet we are lonely.We are a cheerful and jovial person around everyone but somewhere inside we know that we aren't happy at all. Maybe life is a search, a search for happiness,a search to find out what makes us truly happy and i am all into it. I am in search of my happiness.Someone truly said,"Living for others is easy but it is really a tough task to live for yourself."

Well,when it comes to my real world,i have few countable people i do really care about. It doesn't mean i hate everyone other out there but yes!for these countable people i can do anything.Their happiness is the only thing i preach for because it gives me a separate kind of comfort, a sense of relief.

I've an elder sister Sagun who said that i am lucky enough to have everyone, mom,dad, thulomom, thoulobuba, elder brother, elder sister, younger brother and younger sister. I am the lucky one who can enjoy every single relation in this small world and now i realize what she meant to say then.

When it comes to me,i think i am one of the curious person and i do not have any boundary set up for myself when it comes to learning about things. I am honest enough and dare to speak truth.Well,sometimes circumstances comes where truth can't be revealed and in those times i do not lie but i bent the truth.Sometimes,truth part, as a whole, hurts people and hurting others is not my style.

Talking about my negative aspects, i am impatient and sometimes i tend to be careless.

Well, well, one should not advertise oneself. Its actually people who judge you in different conditions. Everyone out there is good and bad in their own way. But one should always be satisfied with oneself.We should be a good person for our self not for others. At the time when we have to say goodbye to this world, we should have no regrets left and no one should have complaints left for us.