I AM A BRAVE WARRIOR OF MY OWN LIFE (Part I)

It’s a story about a girl who struggles through various emotional changes while growing up. Though she has everything she wants in her life, there is a kind of emptiness and, loneliness in her heart. She can never choose what she wants although she has total freedom. Can she live for herself? Will she be able to live the way she wants? Will she be able to fight with all those unseen obstacles of her life? What is it that comes as a turning point in her life and changes everything? Although, the turning point brings all kind of positive changes in her, she is left emptier. She feels that nothing is left and she just stands at bay of sea and wonders what the waves will bring for her.

NOTE: This story is purely based on fiction. Any resemblance with anyone's life would be just a coincidence.

CHAPTER 1

Every time our mind switches from one thought to another. It’s an irony how it doesn't rest at all. Sometimes our mind leaves us surprised. We do not know our own extent of imagination. Several thoughts keep turning in our mind, the good and the bad. There is most often a conflict going on in our minds between our angel side and our demon side. What kind of people we are is based on the result of that war. It’s up to us who we let to win, the demon side or the angel side.

There is a heavy war going on my mind and it has left everything out there misplaced. The question," why is this war occurring? What is it all about? What circumstances have caused it? These are the questions that no one can answer but me. I know the answers to these questions somewhere deep inside me but yet again, if I have to answer these questions to someone, I would not be able to reply for single one.

Today I feel like writing once again. I had stopped writing because it leaves evidences behind but today I just want to start writing. Life once lived would remain a fresh memory and well, I would feel better too. Maybe I’ve many stories buried inside me which I want people to know but I wonder if I’ll be able to write them all?

I believe every story written or told, every tales known by people is not just a story or a simple tale. It must have been the experience of someone. It must have been the life once lived by someone. Every single story looks simple but it is actually complicated. We figure it out as we seriously go through the story. In a story, happy and sad ending come and go as a flash of light but one must have really struggled through those hard times to eventually get to a happy ending. And who can guarantee a happy ending anyways? The life after that ending is not explained in any stories but life doesn't end till our death. The ending can be happy or sad, one cannot predict and not all the stories need to have a happy ending.

People say life is short .It is actually not that short. It’s a long journey that we have to go through. We cannot run away from it and we have no other choice but to be a part of that journey. Life will bring adventure, excitement, joy, sorrow and pain. We will have to confront each one of it. And we will be able to confront it as we all are the brave warriors of our own lives.

Our journey was set right from our birth. In this journey, we will meet different individuals in the form of mom, dad, siblings, friends, soul mate, life partner, children and strangers. We will have different kinds of attachment with different individuals. We will have some duties to fulfill and at times we will have to fight with our emotions. This journey is all about choices between responsibilities and emotions. It’s the right decision we ought to take in the right time. Nevertheless, the journey started will go on, move on. Every single time we will move forward. Our voyage must fight  all the harsh waves and hurricanes until the voyage sinks.

One last thing to remember, the journey traveled should not go on vain. In this journey, we must be able to leave our impact, whether it is big or small and whether the impact affects the whole world or just our near and dear ones. For the fact, our name will be engraved in history either in paper or in the hearts of people.

CHAPTER 2

Whatever happened today is gone and the next day is always a new day with a new beginning. With this aspiration, she sleeps every night and wakes up every morning. Today she woke up with the same aspiration. Yes, that’s all .Today it’s a new day, it’s a fresh starting. I do not remember yesterday, do I? No, no and a big NO .Oops I have STML. I forgot everything. Well, well, you would not know but STML means short term memory loss. I got to know the short form from a sweet friend of mine.

The heavy shower last night was terrifying and breath-taking .Although, I was in my room, I could feel myself drenched in that heavy fall. The raindrops were hitting my body. The weight of every raindrops that hit my body was like the burden of my life that I could feel inside of me. I could not sleep last night. I was restless. It felt like everything I had put together in life were falling apart like how the rain tears the green leaves from its trees never to be put back again.

But yes, yesterday is gone, the stormy and rainy night is gone. The clouds have left giving some space for the beautiful rays of sunlight to fall on the earth.

I just came out of my room and started the day with my daily routine. I washed my face and went to the table for breakfast. At the table were everyone, my near ones and my dear ones. They are my family. I've to admit, when I look at my family, everyone is crazy, a bit dramatic or even over dramatic. If a third person were to come to our house and stay with us, they would find us insane. Maybe every one of us is good at overacting. I can feel the craziness of my family today too, the laughter, the sarcastic comments, and well everyone has got their line ready to fight right back. And it seems like the World War Three has begun.

Today I've got something new. I ought to go to work. It’s a pay-less job but I have to do it. And guess what, my mom is super-duper excited about it. She comes near me, reminds me about it and grins at me; and I find it quite irritating. It’s not like I am earning for my family. But I would not want to hurt her; so I smile back when she smiles at me. I wonder how she can be so happy in such a small thing. How I wish I could be like her, enjoying every moment to its fullest.

It’s time to go to work. I quickly got ready and bid my mom goodbye. My mom's happiness is the only thing I long the most in this hectic world. I know she has forgotten everything and I can't deny I helped her forget everything. But why can't I forget everything? Every time I decide to let go of my past, more I hold onto it. I act so cool in front of everyone, my mom, my family and whole world. The people who know me praise my optimism, the way I think, my philosophy and the way I act. But deep inside, I'm still stubborn who can't let go of things that easily.

I know whatever happened in past is a history, but history repeats and I fear of nothing other than the history repeating once again. Every time I ask myself, “Will that happen again?" I want to answer, “No dear. It will never happen.” But again, a stronger voice than mine suppresses what I have to say and loud and clear I hear, “It will obviously happen. History is a proof. Whatever happened will happen again.” Time passes by and every kind of people are born in every generation who experience once again what has been experienced by someone else. It’s life. Life goes around and revolves round and round.

CHAPTER 3

I lay on my bed resting my shoulder on a pillow. With another pillow on my lap, I stare at the walls of my room. After a while, I see my sister sleeping beside me. She is sleeping so peacefully. I wonder if she too has some things that makes her restless and impatient. I wonder if other people of my generation are just as restless as me.

I still remember, I was such a quiet and a shy child. I was a beautiful and cute kid loved by everyone, praised by everyone and flattered by everyone. I was "Miss Snow White” as my mom says. My mom tells me that when I was little, even a random person walking on a road would not pass without carrying me and teasing me as I was such a cute baby girl.

I don't remember much, but from what my mom explained, my childhood must have been awesome. But from when I can remember, my memories are not that sweet and awesome. Most people of my generation claim their teenage to be the best part of their life but for me it was the worst. Sometimes I even wonder how I tolerated it. But people say there are always worst situations in life that just comes and goes, maybe one of the worst times of my life just went by.

The time passed away but the consequences haunt me still today. The impacts caused by it in my life still remains. I don't know who to blame? Shall I blame myself? People? God? Or time? Maybe no one can be blamed. Maybe it was my fate and I had to go through with it.

I wonder why the past doesn't fade away. What it engraved on my life gets darker and darker with each passing time?

I really don't want to go deeper in the past. As I go deeper, I find various evidences that make me more confused. History has secrets buried within itself but how many? The more the secrets get revealed, the more complicated the past becomes. Who knows the full truth? Maybe just the ones who lived in it.

Everything is so confusing. What are the real faces of people? Trust and betrayal goes side by side. Each evidence for a truth creates new confusion. Who is innocent and who is the real culprit? It’s really a tough task to judge. And no judgement can be made without full proof. With every judgement, I would just hurt myself.

I know it was me who buried all those secrets and with that I have ended all the sources from which the secrets could be revealed. I was really very confused. I really didn't know what to do? If I had just left them then it would have tortured my near and dear ones even more. Burying those evidences has made it easy for everyone to forget everything. And now I don't think anyone remembers it except for those who had lived it. But I am really curious to know what the real circumstances were.

Is the person I blame the real culprit? Or what about the person I take side of? Am I living in misunderstanding? Is no one is to be blamed at all?

Uff, it’s a quiet night and maybe the calmness and the peace in this environment have given a chance to my heart and soul to raise these many questions. There are strong hurricanes, cyclones and storm, in my mind, heart and soul. If I keep myself awake in this peaceful evening, no wonder everything inside me will be misplaced. Then, I pull my blanket, turn off the lights and just close my eyes.

CHAPTER 4

I had always remained aloof from the big circles of friends. Till date, I have very countable number of friends. I didn't want to be with so many people for they could have found my weakness. The only thing I didn't want was that sympathetic eye of people looking at me. I am capable of taking care of myself and I can do everything. I prepared myself with almost all those qualities. People do not know my capabilities and I don't really show them. I have preserved them for the time when it will be required. I can’t be pathetic in front of anyone and I know I will never be.

I do talk to people in my circle. In my circles I am the most happiest of all, always smiling and always joking. I joke a lot, make people laugh, flirt a lot because I do not want them to explore me and find what's on my mind. I do not want them to know me at all. With normal people and friends, I maybe an arrogant girl who never pauses to say hello to someone she knows as she is walking by. And it’s the fact, I just don't want anyone to know me and anyone to feel sorry for me. I do not want anyone to be too close to me. I know I can never give anyone anything other than suffering and tears. No one will ever be able to understand me and make me feel good. And why would anyone bother anyways?

Talking about love, relationship, it all sounds so much superficial to me. Maybe it’s because I haven't seen any successful stories about it or maybe I do not want to believe in it. Everything seems so fake. There is only one thing that’s real and it’s the existence of the human being. It’s just for phenomenon of existing and what keeps on going is attachment, commitment, loyalty and caring. I hated the word love and the idea of being in love. I only believe that people come closer for some reasons. There are of course a lot of selfish reasons for two people to come together. People just hide their selfish intentions giving it the name of love. It’s just a veil for people’s intention. Maybe there are some reasons that made me hate the idea of loving someone or being in love.

Moreover, I wasn't that beautiful since my teenage. I had suffered from all those pimples problems and I had hard time during my teenage years due to family stress that possibly made my hair fall so much. The Snow white turned into a black ugly duckling with all those scars. Her hair that was once thick, black and long has become a mouse's tail; and all those stresses, physical and mental have permanently made home within me. I could neither stay peaceful at school or at home. Maybe as I was ugly, people used to avoid me and pay less attention. I remember, although I was among the top students, hardly few teachers recognized me. These behaviour of people made me more alone and feel more lonely. I slowly lost my self-confidence and started remaining aloof from everyone. I lived in my own world with few people and started being happy in my own imaginary world. I didn't give a damn to what people said. I don't know what went wrong, instead of being interested in guys or being blushed as they walked by, I started being irritated by the more thought of any guy. I remember a time in Holi, when a guy told me it would be a waste of balloon if he threw it on me. That day, I realized the world agrees more with physical appearance. Many other circumstances have now compelled me to believe that all those fairy tales are just the fairy tales and nothing else.

I realized the more attention you pay to people, the more they make you feel low. The more love and care you give, the more hatred and selfish behaviour you receive in return. The more respect you give others, the more disrespect you get back. I used to study that we will get love in return if we love others but this world doesn't work that way. If you have power and money and all those bad qualities, you are great person. I realized that all those qualities that I read as bad in social studies classes and moral science classes were the basics for survival. Maybe I went wrong there, mugged up all those and applied in my life.

Today if God would grant me a wish, I would ask him to make me the most cruel, selfish and self-centric person in this world. Maybe I should not even ask God for any favour. I myself am in the process of becoming the most cruel, selfish and self-centric person on my own and I promise that I will succeed.

CHAPTER 5

It hurts.

And it really hurts a lot.

It feels like my head will burst or maybe I will go insane. No I can't turn insane. But how do I control this impatience and despair? I finally went through the experience that I never ever wanted to go through. I have always tried to avoid it happening again as long as I can remember. But maybe history repeats.

But what do I do now?? I just don't know. I am going through so many things at once that I have become hopeless. Sometimes I ask God, “Why me? Why just me? There are millions and trillions of other people out there but why it’s just me? “I know it’s not worth asking God. It doesn't mean that I don't believe in God but it’s just that things don't work out well between me and God sometimes. He left me helpless in the crucial stage of my life and I feel betrayed.

I've shed a lot of tears and yet they don’t stop. I wonder how much tear can flow from an eye. Don't they ever finish? Every night I sleep begging God, “Please, may I not have to see the sunlight tomorrow. Spare me from this life."

I wasn't this weak. I had gone through many ups and downs since my childhood. I used to be my own ideal; I was strong enough then to wake up every day with new aspiration about life. I used to think what's gone is gone and a new day is a new beginning for a better tomorrow. But what happened to me? Did I change? I really must have changed a lot or maybe desperation is killing the real me little by little.

People say that, life always gives you a second chance but what if you do not want one. Today I stand in life's most crucial stage. Or maybe I am being too dramatic in life. Today, I've no option other than to stand at the bay of the sea and wait for what the waves will bring. I cannot jump into the sea or swim or explore its depth.